A BATTLE CRY OF FAITH

LETTER TO MY SON.

Whispers of Tomorrow's Hope.

MY SWEET PRECIOUS, GIOVANNI

As I sit here today writing this down my baby, I find myself tangled in a sea of mixed emotions, each wave is crashing upon my heart with an intensity I've never known before, I am anxious excited and scared to death at the same time. You, my darling, are not yet of this world, but already you hold a place within my soul that is both powerful and fragile. Your heartbeat, your kicks and you protruding my belly are clear signs that you are almost here and that fact only increases the anxiety and the fear of being a first-time mum who has no clue whatsoever about how to raise another human being.

Today you just clocked 30 weeks and boy! Your kicks have really intensified, as days turn into weeks, and weeks into months each day is a reminder that you are almost here and my anxiety levels are on the rooftop, am sorry I just can't help so many things are unknown right now baby so mummy is a bit on edge.

But I want you to understand, my dearest boy that it's only so because the choice at hand turned out to be an unplanned decision that hit me at a time when am not really in a position to cater for another human being just yet, so this makes it a decision made out of my pure love for you my son.

Even though deep down too many fears keep sprouting up I promise you that mummy will keep on fighting because she knows that you deserve a life full of love, with a mentally stable mother who can make sane decisions to give you a life with stability and endless opportunities regardless of the situation. As your mother, I will do anything and everything because I know that none of the BS going around right now will ever be your fault.

My Dear sweet boy, the question that haunts my thoughts most is whether I am gonna be able to provide you with the life that you deserve since clearly as we speak we are in this alone and sometimes it gets so overwhelming thinking about the responsibility that awaits me. Ever since the day I knew you were growing inside of me my dreams of holding you in my arms and guiding you through life's journey, became intertwined with so my anxieties and uncertainties because deep down I knew I wasn't ready for a baby at all, at least not yet. but still every day I imagine the joy you could bring and the love that you would fill my days with, but there is also the harsh reality of the world and that is you are an expensive asset and if I ain't ready the world could be unforgiving and cruel on us my boy.

I've walked along quiet streets, gazing at the faces of mothers pushing strollers, I have watched a million documentaries on babies, and I have done all the research I can because every day I wonder if I have the strength to join the ranks of motherhood yet, can I really do it?.. is the question that lingers in my head every day. truth be told my son the weight of this decision has really been weighing heavily upon my shoulders, and I would like to ask for your understanding and forgiveness for that. It may seem strange, my love, that I'm seeking your forgiveness before you have even taken your first breath, but I believe in the power of connection that defies time and space and am sure that by the time you are reading this, you will have the capacity to understand why.

Amidst all the uncertainties and anxieties of having you I have to confess that there is nothing I didn't think of doing to part ways with you just forget you ever happened and carry on. from the choice of abortion that was laid right in front of me, to looking into opportunities to go down the path of adoption and give you away but that was only because I wanted to give you the best chance at a life that is filled with love, stability, and endless opportunities because I knew in my heart at that time I couldn't even give that to myself so it was clearly impossible for another human being.

Luckily God intervened my son and the more I thought about it the more I just couldn't do it. My heart ached at the thought of not cradling you every night, knowing you are in another woman's arms is what I couldn't bear, how could I suffer for all those nine months carrying you then give you away? I wasn't just gonna let you go. I want you to know my boy that I am glad I choose to curdle you every night no matter our situation I would rather have bad times with you than good times with you in another woman's arms. My trust and my faith in God tell me we will never lack no matter what.

So please my son understand that whatever decision I was planning to make was only because I knew it was best for me and you at that time, and it all came from a place of worries and uncertainties and glory unto God because we no longer live in that world, my baby.

My sweet child, I want you to know that I was only wrestling with these choices not in indifference, but in profound contemplation. My heart will always ache at the thought of disappointing you as well as trying to disappoint my God and that's why every day I pray to him to keep you safe and keep and keep me sane and am so glad that he has as doing just that, because today as I write this letter to you my dear son I know that soon you will be hearing the sound of my voice, the touch of my hand and the test of my breasts. I hope that you can find it within yourself to forgive me for the uncertainty and the pain I've caused you stressing over this. I know there is a reason you are here and that is what I will hold onto at this moment.

so my dear son even though we have been through all the heartache, all that pain and all that disappointment ever since you were conceived today as you read this letter just know that it will never define who we are because Mama will always be there to make it right and even if am not there trust God will.

Remember, my love, that no matter the outcome or whatever life throws at us, just know that the love I feel for you is real and eternal and that Mama and God will always have your back whether we have it easy or rough, as long as I breathe I promise to carry you in my heart, to honour your potential, and to strive for the best possible life for you my son.

With all the love a heart can hold,

Your Mother.